We are the faces of OCD

About a little over a year now I have had this constant feeling that “I’m going to die” or “need to die”. It started in the summer of 2023, then when fall came around it went away for a while. This past summer it began again and has continued since. I remember searching online “Why do I feel like I’m going to die?” That’s when I read about suicidal ideation. I wasn’t sure if it was that or if it was possibly another OCD flare up. These thoughts are just constantly lingering in the back of my head. Whether I’m at work or out doing something fun I get this really upsetting feeling that I’m going to die. I become panicky and cry a lot when I feel this come on. I’ve also been so terrified at the thought of death and what happens when you’re gone. It’s difficult to tell whether I’m depressed or if it’s suicide OCD. My brain always tells me “What if I actually want to die?” or “What if it’s not OCD and I’m actually just insane?” It is so debilitating living with this. I also have another thought saying “What if this is the only way to make things stop?” I get extremely worried about doing something bad to myself everyday. I can’t even tell what’s real or not anymore. Does anyone have any similar experiences or advice?

My ex therapist said I was probably a lesbian if I had these thoughts, she never diagnosed me with ocd even if I was so obsessed with being sick that I used to go every day to the hospital for years. I was so obsessed with not loving my ex boyfriend, my mom, my Friends that I used to cry every day and Watch their pictures all the time to see if I loved Them. I Changed therapist and She immediately diagnosed me with ocd. But i'm scared to go to therapy now, because of my ex therapist. What If the second One is wrong and First was right? What If they can see things about myself I can't see yet. I'm terrified. I don't want to talk about myself anymore to anyone.

For context, I have severe health OCD and contamination OCD. I also am possibly on the autism spectrum. Sometimes I truly wonder if it actually is this debilitating or if something else is underlying. I can’t go out in public anymore, my physical symptoms are so severe that I can’t do anything but lay in bed, they are so severe that I wonder if it’s a chronic illness instead, I can’t do my online school work, I can’t hang out with friends, I don’t enjoy things I normally would anymore, I’m starting to lose hope, every day I’m unbalanced, floaty feeling, pressure on my chest, weird tightness where my heart is, PVC beats, headaches, my heart races when I get up, I feel weak, I’m so tired not physically but mentally, I don’t have motivation to keep up with my hygiene, I can’t even walk down the road without panicking, I can hardly even sit in a car to go to the doctors, my appetite is completely lost and I’ve started losing weight, I’ve started to even get depressed because I realize how sad my life is, I worry over every single symptom and every sensation I feel. Everything feels so real and so intense. It ruined my birthday, I didn’t even enjoy it or do anything. I’m so exhausted. I’m not even exaggerating, I eat, drink water, sleep, and lay in bed all day. I don’t do anything. I’m only 17 and it already feels like my life is about half over. Each day that goes by feels so hopeless and meaningless that they have started to merge. I really started to go downhill whenever the election happened. Then my therapist didn’t have any openings for 3 more weeks so I haven’t left the house, my life 360 says I’ve been in my home since “November 14th” my symptoms got really bad (which i definitely was sick with something looking back), and now I just feel the same symptoms I listened above every day. I stopped taking hydroxyzine cause I found out that it can cause heart issues and haven’t felt safe to take it since. I was prescribed Zoloft for the second time, it worked the first time but now my mind is too scared to take it again for fear it may make me worse. So I can’t take medication. I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore, my life is so depressing. I’ve just started to go completely downhill. I’m 2022 this is the month that I went to a mental hospital for the first time, I’m about to make it a second cause i genuinely don’t know what to do anymore. Is OCD really this debilitating? It feels like I genuinely have to have something else, there’s no way that something mental can really cause this much devastation in someone’s life. Right? I don’t even know anymore. I’m trying to stay positive but I just want to break down and cry. I feel so lost and hopeless, am I really this broken mentally that it’s ruining my entire life? I would appreciate any support and motivation to keep going because I genuinely feel emotionless.

I feel so alone am I the only one who suffered with intrusive thoughts images and fear of becoming terrorist. This is by far one of the most difficult themes I’ve had to face to date because of the severity and feeling of immediacy. I’m constantly in state of anxiety. I avoid spaces with lots of people, toilets, I won’t go near places that are associated with subject such as hospitals, train stations, airports, college and other public spaces. I can’t deal with the thoughts and I’ve got a holiday coming up where I will have to be on plane for 13 hours I don’t know how I’m going to cope. I just want it to stop I was on the verge of crying in the car while driving back from hospital trying to understand why this theme even came to existence it so painful thinking these thoughts that you going to cause mass harm to innocent people. It makes me just want stay-inside and never leave the house. The thought that is making it worse it what if I have psychotic break convince myself I’ve actually done something, the plane get grounded I’m chucked into custody in a country I don’t know. I thinking I’m catasphrophising but can’t stop living this fear inside my head. I just don’t want to go but that would meaning losing £2,000. How can I prepare for this 😭😭

In a nutshell I was struggling w another theme and then a thought of “what if this gets so bad you hurt yourself?” Came up and got stuck. The other theme completely went away I will admit I’ve compulsed and dug into this so hard that now it feels real. It feels like I want to do this but am just holding myself back. I have no history of self harm or suicidal behaviour. Nothing was even going on in my life to make me want to do this. It feels like I did a 180 in a moment. It’s blurred the lines of what’s real and what’s not where even when I’m typing this out that I’m struggling it feels like I’m lying and just going through the motions. I even have thoughts that I’m delaying the inevitable and that even if I go somewhere for help it’ll just happen after. It feels like I don’t want to get better. This never used to be me and I honestly used to be terrified of death. I’ve done some ERP. I can hold knives, belts, pills and stand on bridges and of course nothing happens. Just can’t shake this feeling that I want to and it feels real. It’s such a catch 22

Does anyone else have a fear of anything being on their hands? Not necessarily that you don’t like the germs on it, but you can’t stand the fact that you have grease or oil on your hands. I can’t stand when I see people eat greasy food with their hands and then just casually wipe them on their pants or blanket. Like it makes my skin crawl. I can eat greasy food with my hands, but afterwards I have to immediately wash them because I don’t want to get that grease on any object. People always jokingly try to touch me with grease and it actually infuriates me, and also infuriates me when I see them touch another object like a remote with that greasy hand. Is this just me or is there anyone else who can relate?

Hi everyone! For the past 4 years I’ve been struggling with intrusive thoughts about myself or others. It’s mostly about others and it’s really scary. I’ve been to my doctor about it and for some reason he diagnosed me with depression and he said it’s the cause of my intrusive thoughts ( which doesn’t make sense to me)…I’ve done more research and I believe that it might be Harm OCD. These thoughts terrify me. It affects my every day life. Some weeks are better than others but it’s so awful when I have a “flare up”. Can anyone help me understand how to know whether or not I have this condition? And if I do what are yalls experiences and what are your recommendations for treatment?

Before OCD I never felt any hatred towards gay people or bi people or anything like that, and I even recall some shows were gay relationships had really romantic moments that I could admire, but now it feels like I hate gay people like they anoy me or smth, and I don't wanna feel that way, I don't wanna feel this way, and ofc my OCD says that Im homophobic therefore I'm gay but I wasn't even homophobic to begin with I just don't know what to do right now

I feel like is really hard to get better when you brain is trying to convince you that you actually want to do it and since it's really convincing I do not know what to do not feel like that. Nothing positve that I think makes me happy, I feel like I have no escape of this. Before I would get like moments of reliefs when thinking positive but now I don't, maybe I am going through depression. I am starting to doubt about my own person ( its not an intrusive thought )and to think that I will be ok being that horrible person, but I do not know what do to. I feel numb and I am so tired. I just know that I was not this person before, I used to be a person with goals, super kind and someone that loved being around people. I try to ignore or not engage with the thoughts, and why is it coming back? What do I need to do? Anyone going through this?

It’s been giving me panic attacks, fainting spells (I don’t get breaks lol so I go long periods without eating), and severe anxiety. As of right now, it’s nearing 3am and I’m typing this. I have work in the morning but I can’t sleep at all. I keep waking up in panics (which I just found out are nocturnal panic attacks lol great). I’m planning on just calling in tomorrow and quitting instead of showing up. I can’t take it anymore. What do I tell them? I don’t want to burn this bridge but my mental health is a mess. It’s my first job and only reference I have.

I was fine for a few months and I feel my HARMOCD is coming back. It’s still the targeted thought to “kill mom” it’s bringing me alot of anxiety and it’s the only thought that is still around. What do I do?

Struggling currently struggling with magical thinking and feeling like I’ll never overcome it. What has worked for you?

I hate how I can be feeling fine for a few days, barely any thoughts and if I do they don’t bother me, but then there are times where I intentionally think of them. For example, the past three days I was doing pretty good. Not really having my harm thoughts and feeling well overall. However, today I noticed I was ruminating a bit about my thoughts. Like I purposefully made myself think of them and dwell on them. I don’t have any anxiety anymore. I just feel nothing. Maybe I’m just used to them? I don’t know. But I still feel the urges - like I really want to harm someone and I want to act on it. It feels like pent up energy or something, and I’m holding myself back. It feels inevitable that I will eventually act on them. And for me to purposefully think about them makes me think I’m fantasizing or actually desiring them. Like actual wants. Plus I don’t feel like the homework that I have been given is as effective. Like just responding in with neutral “ok’s” to the thoughts just feel pointless or rather feels like I don’t want to get rid of the thought. I should be glad that maybe I’m improving, but at the same time I don’t feel like I am…I still feel stuck. I still feel like there is actually no cure and I have changed into this, and that it’s only a matter of time until I’m okay with acting on these thoughts. I just feel off and strange. Sometimes it’s difficult to know who I am, what I want, etc.

I’m terrified to go to my grandparents alone tomorrow because what if my harm ocd flares up? I love my grandparents more than anything, they’ve always been by my side and I’m scared of losing them, what if my intrusive thoughts/urges take over??? I’m not sure what to do. I know I should go just to expose myself but I’m so tired of doing that and nothing changes:( I’ve experienced this when going over my dads because there’s two babies there. I’m not sure what to do. I sometimes look at people and think, “they don’t think/having urges of harming other people, why do I do?” Sorry for the vent.

Guys, I discussed this with a therapist, and it’s something I want to share with you. If you’re considering whether or not to take medication—both of which are completely valid choices—let me just say this when making your decision: Medications are not a long-term solution. Period. True healing only begins when you can completely and fully do without medication. In the beginning, they help with stability during exposures, and I totally understand that. But they won’t help you, if you decide to stop taking them at some point and that stability is no longer there. As hard as it may sound, and as tough as it is, real healing starts when we no longer need medication for our exposures. I know it’s hard, and I don’t want to discourage you or anything like that, I just want to tell you the truth. It’s absolutely OKAY (i did too for a time) if you decide to take medication, and in the beginning, they should help you, but please think long-term and consider it carefully. Wish u all the best ❤️

This may upset some people reading so here is just a warning that these are disturbing I don’t know what to do to make the bad thoughts stop. My mom recently had a baby, my little brother. I wasn’t exactly happy about this pregnancy, but I have nothing against my brother. He’s adorable and silly. Nothing against him. But I feel like these thoughts bug me because what if deep down I do resent him because I didn’t want my mom to have another kid? What if I did act on these things because I hate him? What if I just lose it and do something? It’s all so illogical, I know. Never would I ever want to do that. But there’s times I’m watching him for a few minutes for my mom and my brain just shows me an awful scene of me brutally hurting him or killing him. Or I’ll be holding him and my brain shows me a scene where I purposefully drop him or I just hurt him so badly. I’ll be walking near him and my brain tells me I’m going to stomp on him. It shows me such bad things. I have intrusive thoughts all the time, but this is different because there’s a semi good reason I “could” do it. That being, I wasn’t happy about the pregnancy. And it scares me. I’ve started crying because I was so scared it was going to happen. I have to back up away from him or sit down so there’s no way I can do anything. I feel horrible. I don’t want to hurt him. And I’m so scared I will. But I won’t. I’m hoping this makes sense to others who struggle with this. Because to anyone else who’s never gone through these things I’ll sound insane. And sound like a psychopath. Thanks for reading. Any help would be appreciated.

I had to use a pseudonym and such to join this app in the first place. If I interact with OCD content outside of here it has to be anonymous or very very minimal without any details of what I go through. I consistently deal with shame and even when talking about my OCD with friends/family I become embarrassed and ashamed, fearful of what they might think. I am like this in more cases too. I am a very private person: I use anonymous modes on almost anything, I never post my face unless the account is completely private, I never share my name online, etc. One time I scrubbed a 5+ year old account of any photos of myself or mentions of my name because I was so afraid. It’s been getting easier but that toxic shame is still triggered sometimes especially if I think someone may find out who I am. It is hard to get over especially since I’ve been treated horribly in the past.

I have been doubting my salavtion for 18 years or 15 years does not matter I am 40. I was told I had ocd region last year and tore me apart. It does make sense I have also ptsd and bipolar. How do I know if I have repented and am saved? I feel numb to God. Never any love or change in my heart. I don’t belive good works save me. I know the Bible in my head but how do you know Jesus? I am tired and need a heart change but how does that happens with ocd? Forget about church they can’t handle me and have tried to help but given up. Been told I have been oppressed by demons pray harder trust God more ect. I feel depressed and take my anger out on my kids age 14 10 and 9 and husband. I feel alone and taking medicine does not help. I take my meds for bipolar and anxity. How can I be sure God has saved me or I want God? I am mad at God and been told it’s was sin. I think it is but why did I have to be abused as a kid and have mental health issues and now ocd junk. I don’t have the fruit of the spirit. My mind is in torment sometime and numb myself out with tv sleep drinks food pills ect. Where is Jesus ? Why can’t I have assurence? Just being real and the church is scared of me or I overwhelm people. Jesus offeres peace and rest and I don’t have that. I want my sins forgiven and be loved by God and have him as a my father. Dortine does matter saying the sinners prayer does not save me and I am lost and confused. I don’t want to go to hell. Please anyone have anything to say. I don’t have support

Sometimes i feel like im using ocd as an excuse. What if i dont really have it and im just freaking myself out? Does anyone feel this way

Does anyone else experience this lingering fear and anxiety because they think they’re capable of hurting someone? It’s killing me. I feel like I’m such a danger. I feel like I’m a predator. I feel like this awful person and I can’t shake it. I want to carry on with my day but I can’t. I don’t feel like I deserve it. I feel like I’ve done awful things. I can’t stop crying.