Anyone “prefer” past themes?

I am having a really hard time figuring out how to address my obsessions and compulsions using ERP. It's actually turned into a main OCD theme of mine and it's terrifying. No reassurance please. I've never had an OCD theme so severe and last so long. This "theme" has been going on for 5 years now & has been the hardest to manage out of any OCD themes in the past and I've had many: Harm, Sexual, Just Right, Symmetry, False Memories, Scrupulosity, etc. I just wanted to put this out there because it's hard to function with these distressing, intrusive thoughts around therapy and how to do it racing inside me.

I don’t normally make posts like this but if anyone can relate or has advice so I don’t feel so alone I would appreciate it! I feel like crying and I’m so anxious. So I’ve been dealing with an ocd flare up since February. It started out as contamination and harm after I had a really bad experience on a edible. The contamination mostly centered around the fear of someone accidentally giving me an edible to someone putting it in my food or water. Then it went from there to my Brian going you know what’s worse than edibles? LSD. So then I obsessed over that and it’s been like that on and off. I’ve had an extremely hard time with it it’s been one of the worst themes I ever had. I don’t eat certain things. Especially sweets. I avoid them. I avoid taking medication Bc I’m scared. I limit myself. I’m horrible about opening water bottles and if it doesn’t open just right I won’t drink out of it. I know it’s crazy I know it’s untrue but the panic I feel traces back to that night. I don’t ever want to feel that out of control again it scared me so bad I got diagnosed with ptsd (to be fair I had a lot of unresolved trauma that caused my glass to overfill) well, I’ve been going to EMDR therapy it’s got my ptsd under control but the ocd is louder. My ocd is clawing to stay alive. I’ve started to have intrusive thoughts now about my boyfriend might slip something into my water even though ITS NOT TRUE. So then I panic because the thoughts are so irrational that I get scared like why would I ever think that about him???? But the intrusive thoughts are so jarring and I don’t want my ocd to focus on him now! I need advice! I’ve been prescribed pristiq but haven’t taken it Bc you guessed it.,.. I’m scared to! I can’t go on like this! The thoughts are so irrational it scares me even though the rational side of me knows it’s not true but I guess that’s ocd. We get scared of the thoughts even though we know it’s not true and I know it’s my brain trying to keep the ocd going. I know therapy must be working otherwise my theme subjects wouldn’t have changed so fast. I’m so tired of this.

As the title says I think I might have a new theme coming and it’s meta :( lately I’ve been ruminating on the thought I’ll never get over ocd and even though I’ve made some progress it tells me it doesn’t matter as it’ll always be the same or that I’m in denial with things,or if I don’t constantly keep doing perfectly good with my exposures I’ll always keep going backwards, etc etc. and it doesn’t help it partners with the other themes I have but idk all day I’ve been overwhelmed with these thoughts and last night I had a meltdown over it. Idk what to really do cause I can’t stop ruminating on it and tomorrow is my last day of school and I wanna make it good but I’m afraid my thoughts won’t stop even then or I’ll never actually improve.