Have any other parents been through this?

Having ocd makes me always think the worst. I have had 2 incidents that have made my life miserable. I guess they are real events. When my son was little he would crawl into bed with me sometimes. One morning I got up and went about my day. When he woke up I said good morning and told him to come with me and get breakfast like I always did and when he got out of bed he didn’t have his underwear on. I yelled at him asking why he didn’t have them on but he was 2 or 3 so he didn’t like being yelled at and didn’t have a clear answer and pointed at me . My ocd immediately kicked in and made me think the worst that I must have done something horrible. The other was years later when my daughter was younger she used to crawl into bed with me at night alot. One night I woke up to her saying “mommy” and I was really tired so I just remember saying “sorry” and moving back and going back to sleep. I know it was probably nothing more than I just rolled over on her or something like that but my ocd keeps telling me I must have done something horrible. I don’t want to live thinking I could have done something horrible in my sleep. It had made my life so hard to live. Anyone without ocd probably wouldn’t think much about these little weird quirks that happen in life and parenthood but my ocd makes the worst possible scenario out of everything and makes me hate myself and living. 😞

My ocd always makes me think the worst and tells me that the only explanation for things is that I did something horrible. I had an incident many years ago that has made my life miserable. I guess it’s a real event and possibly false memory as well. When my son was little he would crawl into bed with me alot. One morning I got up and he was still asleep. I put my daughter on the school bus and went back upstairs to my room and he was awake sitting up wrapped in the blanket. I said good morning and told him to come downstairs with me and get breakfast like I always did but when he got out of bed he didn’t have his underwear on. I yelled at him demanding to know why he took his underwear off. He was 2 or 3 and he pointed at me and yelled “You!”. My ocd immediately kicked in and made me think the worst that I must have done something horrible to him in my sleep. Why would he say that? 😪. At the time I didn’t think too much of it though because toddlers randomly do weird things and take their clothes off and they yell back or blame you because they don’t like getting in trouble or getting yelled at so I shrugged it off but out of nowhere all these years later my ocd brought this back up. Since it’s been so long my memory has faded so my ocd adds more “evidence” and tells me things like maybe I was drinking and did something to him and just don’t remember. I try to think of all the scenarios that could have happened as to why he took his underwear off but my ocd won’t let anything make sense except that I did something horrible and I can’t live with that uncertainty like other people can. It makes me not want to be alive anymore 😞

Lately my ocd is latching onto my children. In my opinion, for me, this is the most painful and most debilitating theme of ocd. My daughter asked me to help her wash and rinse the shampoo from her hair while she was in the shower because she has thick hair and sometimes she has trouble shampooing and rinsing it all out. A normal, common task for me. At some point I caught a glimpse of her private area and my ocd immediately tried to make me believe I looked intentionally. I know I didn’t and I know I do not think of her or any child in that way but now my ocd has me questioning myself. I was just doing what I always do so I don’t remember at what point I saw it. Was I reaching for and looking down for the shampoo when I saw it or was I reaching up to her hair and saw it as I looked up? Did I look due to just normal human tendency to look where we know we’re not supposed to and if that’s the case does that make me horrible? I’m driving myself insane trying to prove I do NOT feel or think that way about her. I don’t want to live if this is how my brain works. Ocd is evil and this is the hardest kind of intrusive thought to get past. 😩