SOOCD - real or not?

I’m in a really bad panic at the moment re my ocd. I’m trying so hard to accept the thoughts/feelings and accept how real and true it all feels, despite the panic and anxiety. I read somewhere that you can clearly tell the difference between a thought about your sexuality being true vs an ocd thought. It said if the thoughts/feelings/narrative makes you feel panic, anxiety and dread, like you don’t want the thoughts, then it’s ocd. If they make you feel warm, content and normal, then they’re likely not ocd. Is that how people and psychologists differentiate? My situation is that I’m a 36 year old male that never questioned or had to question my sexuality until one day at 26, I had the question pop up “are you gay”. Since then, it’s like I don’t know who I am anymore. Questioning, checking, anxious 24/7, wanting to escape myself. Help :(

Username: gp gp

Date posted: 49w ago

And as soon as this thought entered, it instantly made me panic. I lost all attraction and any ability to feel confident or happiness. It was like at that one moment, all I could do was focus on my theme/sexuality and literally nothing could or did matter. Since then, it’s just been a constant fight between trying to acknowledge this is ocd (I’ve been diagnosed twice) vs I’m just using ocd and am in denial as a late bloomer. Always a battle. Like how on earth could I possibly love women, my life etc and then one day, somehow realise that wasn’t really me? It makes no sense and I hate it. I just want myself back.

Username: ejpwolfpackejpwolfpack

Date posted: 48w ago

@gp I’m in this same exact cycle rn. It doesn’t feel disorder like sometimes. It’s so hard to explain, but it feels so true that I can’t even comprehend it. I was straight all my life and crazy about girls. Even though I’ve dealt with ocd all my life, it’s still hard for me to believe that the feelings it’s created can even be ocd. I’m here to talk more about it if you’d like.

Username: ConsciousPilot ConsciousPilot

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 49w ago

I first got hit with HOCD in 1993. By 2017 I got my diagnosis and just started ERP in November. Got married in 2002 and now have a 5th grader and a college sophomore. You'll be fine, the love for women never goes away, but the crazy thoughts/feelings DO respond to therapy. My point is, live your life, and accept that you don't need to know 100%. Promise!!

Username: gp gp

Date posted: 49w ago

@ConsciousPilot Hi, and thanks for such a positive reply. You’re one of the first people I’ve seen that seemingly has had a positive outcome with this theme, I’m grateful that you posted. It’s so hard not to ask you hundreds of questions! When you were suffering, did it feel as if you really had or would change your SO? As in, you actually believed the thoughts as real? A real roadblock for me appears to be that I get sucked into the realness of the thoughts. It’s like my mind is convinced what they are telling me must be true and is true. Like, I have to accept something I don’t want to? And, what was the key change in your mind when you started to improve?

Username: ada110ada110

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 49w ago

You sound like me 15 years ago, then it faded and lay dormsnt, then hit out of nowhere 2 years ago, then I got diagnosed. It feels real; that's why it's so distressing. It really has its hold on you right now so nothing we say will transform how you're feeling, but my advice would be to seek therapy with someone who understands OCD and have faith in the ERP process. It will take time, but don't let that get you down. You can feel so much better than you're feeling right now.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 49w ago

I totally relate to this

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 49w ago

How r u feeling now?

Username: Scooterino

Date posted: 2y ago

Undiagnosed SO OCD since childhood?

I'm starting to believe I have had SOOCD since childhood. I remember having thoughts since as early as 7 that felt bad and wrong and made me sad and worried. Thoughts of being bisexual or lesbian still make me so unhappy and uncomfortable, but they also feel so deeply ingrained in me that I have a hard time knowing what my sexuality is. I felt forced to accept the fact that I was bisexual when I was an adult, even though it made me sad, but is that even true? Is dealing with this since childhood really just denial? Am I just gay? Or is ALL of it a lie and I'm straight? Maybe I'm asexual, and am not attracted to anyone? I can't sort it out in my head, my heart is breaking- my wonderful fiance has been so careful and kind as I process what is going on. Now the idea of having sex or attraction to ANYONE of any gender makes me panic and cry. He is so patient, but he doesn't deserve this, he deserves better than my panic attacks and doubt. Has anyone else had a theme since childhood? How have you sorted what IS real from what is NOT real, now that you know you have OCD?

Username: Anonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

Why does SO-OCD feel so real?

It all started two months ago when I was making scenarios in my head to fall asleep.. i was imagining myself kissing a man and then it turned into a woman. The moment that happened, I opened my eyes and panicked.. it was complete panic, i started sweating, crying and I couldn’t function anymore. I started asking myself “am i gay”, “i have to come out to my boyfriend”, “i have to come out to everyone”, it was all within the span of 10 minutes… soooo overwhelming!! My mind acted as if I was gay, I lost my sense of identity, I couldn’t even trust myself anymore even when I reassured myself. It was such an awful cycle, to look at any person, a man to make sure i was straight, and a woman to make sure I wasn’t gay… i feel ashamed saying this. If i looked at a woman a certain way, like oh she’s pretty, my mind would say yes u see ur gay. After two months, I imagine any interest with a female stranger as a confirmation of being gay, I’m so nervous all the time, i start sweating and checking for groinal responses (the worst is when the response happens).. i cant afford a session with a therapist now, and i keep saying that i dont have OCD, im in denial, and that one day ill be gay. Can someone offer some insight on wether this sounds like OCD?

Sexual Orientation OCD

Username: gp

Date posted: 1y ago

How to stop believing the narrative SOOCD creates?

Question - my mind uses any trigger to prove I am gay. My mind kind of auto defaults to the ‘worst case scenario’. I’m kind of stuck in this mindset that I ‘believe it’, and if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be suffering from the ongoing anxiety. Do others have a similar feeling? Concern? Experience? I’ve been battling what I think is SOOCD since I was about 25/26. Literally overnight it felt like my brain broke. Infatuated by a new GF, woke up. Had the thought “you feel nothing for her”. Obsessive worry, figuring out why. Led to “you are gay”. I’ve been diagnosed twice by two seperate therapists, but as we know, it’s hard to believe you have ocd. Ultimately, I’ve never thought of men in a romantic way until my brain broke. I still don’t think I do, but I can’t stop being sick with anxiety that I have changed or that I’m lying to myself?

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SOOCD - real or not?

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