Explore more posts

Username: Ebby7

Date posted: 2y ago

Kind of at my end.

I am adding a trigger warning, but I’ll still be mindful to censor. So I guess I would say I’m in a relapse. I was doing well (I think). I wasn’t having intrusive thoughts and I overcame a really hard theme. So for a few months I was doing pretty okay. My living situation and relationship took a huge hit and I guess I couldn’t handle the pressure idk. Anyway, one day I was trying to sleep and I got this intrusive thought about losing my mind I guess. Not being able to identify anything, speak, ect. Just being a blank mind or something. (I know, doesn’t my one ounce of sense to me either) Anyway, this really scared me, triggered me so badly that one of my old themes that I truly thought I had overcame came back. Not only did it come back, it sent me spiraling ( still am). It feels so much worse this time. And I’m struggling to overcome it. This thought: “how do we understand words?” And then it’s spirals into other thoughts related to this, but I’ll leave it at this. I can’t cope, my mind is hyper fixated on every word, not just mine. I can no longer watch tv comfortably, listen to conversations, or even speak myself. It’s making me feel like “unaliving” myself. I feel extremely alone in this. Like as if I’m the only person in the world to ever think this or struggle with this kind of theme. Getting some feedback would be great, but I won’t hold my breath.

Existential OCD

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

You could diffuse yourself from the thought. I am having the thought that I may not be able to understand words. My feared outcome is this could mean I’m losing my mind. This is making me want to perform compulsions to try to understand what this thought could mean. However, I’m going to have to take the risk that I could be losing my mind and press on with my day as planned. —-or—- You could write a script of how you’re feeling and thinking. And make sure it includes uncertainty. And follow it through to what would happen if your feared outcome came true.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

Hey! I’m in a super bad relapse as well and it feels like it keeps getting worse. Because of that, I have these feelings like I’m too far gone. But I go through what you do at times. It’s frustrating and can be super terrifying. Have you tried writing a script for it or doing ERP for it?

Username: Ebby7Ebby7

Date posted: 2y ago

I truly appreciate you taking the time to explain this to me. You have my utmost gratitude. I will try to apply this in real-time. I was doing exposure work before, but fell off honestly. And just end up coasting because I was feeling better. I feel myself wanting so badly to find somebody who has had this though too, but I understand that is me looking for reassurance. The thought it’s self isn’t always what sends me over, it’s honestly the intrusive feelings that do. They’re so strong and overwhelming. I haven’t slept because of it. And every time I try to sleep it feels like our chaos in my mind and then I end up having a panic attack. Which I do make myself face and live through. I know how stupid being scared of words or the lack of understanding how we understand them is. But the fear is so real. It’s bewildering.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

It’s not stupid at all. It’s part of what you’re going through. And it’s so hard. I know firsthand. I’m going through a hell of a time. But sometimes I get thoughts “I’m going to flail my arms.” And as silly as the thought is, I freak out over it. Legitimately freak out. And it’s innocent. But I still obsess and ruminate.

Username: Dee CDee C

Date posted: 2y ago

Hi Ebby7, I can relate to what you’re going through as I have existential ocd theme. I know about thoughts that make no sense and trying to figure it out. As soon as I notice that it’s the ocd rabbit hole trying to suck me in, I sit with it for a moment then remind myself not to engage it any further. A therapist once told me that these thoughts have always been there but for whatever reason the volume was increased and now you’re paying attention. However you can choose not to pay attention to them. They’re just thoughts. I’m still practicing my ERP and just let the thoughts float on. I have to remind myself to accept the uncertainty by quietly saying ‘maybe it makes, maybe it doesn’t but I choose not to engage it at time’. Please know that you are not alone. We got this 😌

Username: Ebby7Ebby7

Date posted: 2y ago

@Dee C Thank you for the kind words. I have been struggling really bad with this for what feels like forever now. I used to be a person who was curious about this stuff and sure it would trigger anxiety at times, but before I could just let it go. Now I feel so utterly lost and out of control. I dread waking up. I will keep in mind all of the insight and feed back you have provided here as I truly appreciate it. Thank for taking the time to respond to my post.

Username: Ebby7Ebby7

Date posted: 2y ago

Tbh, I’m not even sure how to do an exposure towards this. I’ve tried to think of something, but nothing comes to mind. I’m not even sure what writing a script is as I have never tried it before. Could you enlighten me?

Username: Ebby7Ebby7

Date posted: 2y ago

I appreciate all your feedback. I think to myself “ I was just okay a week ago, how did I get back here?” It’s quite depressing. I overcame this theme once before. This theme literally had me admitted to a place called rodgers behavioral health here in Wisconsin. That is where I got diagnosed with ocd. I was there five weeks and then continued on my own in therapy. I’m not unfamiliar with ERP. Just struggling like hell to approach this theme with it. This theme hasn’t bothered me for awhile now. And I’m fact, when it would pop up I was able to disregard it, but now it feels like I’ve forgotten everything. And like I can’t remember how I got through it the first time. It’s baffling.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

Yup. I go through that too. I’ll have moments of clarity where I say “this is all silly.” Then I’m back in the thick of it and completely forget I was ever here before. I’m dealing with horrible harm ocd. And right now it feels like the worst it’s ever been. But I’m sure I’m forgetting.

Username: Ebby7Ebby7

Date posted: 2y ago

@Cats&Pizza999 Very sorry that you’re also struggling currently. I do believe I deal with harm ocd as well, but not as badly I used to. Or it could be that it’s taken a back burner to this dreaded existential ocd. If you ever want somebody to just talk to, or to team up with on this ocd journey feel free to reach out to me. I’m always open to support and being supportive. I don’t have much of a support system on my end in my real life, but I’m open to collaborating with others as we all walk towards recovery.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

@Ebby7 I appreciate that. It is hard to find support. I’m 34 and my sister has OCD but she makes it seem like it’s so easy to get over. And for me, it has not been.

Username: Ebby7Ebby7

Date posted: 2y ago

I’m 29. And I believe I may be the only person in my family who has ocd. So I feel extremely isolated. I’d like to address that you’re totally right about this not being easy to “get over”. As this wouldn’t be consider one of the top ten debilitating disorders for no reason. I understand there no cure for ocd, but I truly hope for our sakes we get to a point where managing it is truly enough.

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

Are you on any medicine?

Username: Ebby7Ebby7

Date posted: 2y ago

I was on fluoxetine, but it starts making my hair fall out 😢. I do feel like it was helping when I was on it. I also take 1mg of lorazepam. My psychiatrist is very strict about not upping that medication though. Are you in any medications?

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

I was on fluoxetine as well. I stopped about 2 months ago. I felt like it helped a little. I was on 40mg. I probably should have gone higher.

Username: Ebby7Ebby7

Date posted: 2y ago

You see I was going to ask for mine to be upped because I was on a low dose. But then I noticed how thin my hair got. My hair recovered and I really wanna go back on fluoxetine, I think I may need to use something in combination to offset that side affect for me. I still feel it has the potential to help me out. Are you in therapy?

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

@Ebby7 I am but I feel like it hasn’t helped. She is an OCD specialist and we do ERP, but I think I need more guidance. I don’t see her often.

Username: Ebby7Ebby7

Date posted: 2y ago

I currently was searching for a new therapist in my area. Because the one I’m seeing now is not trained in ERP nor do I believe she has experience with ocd. So I don’t feel I’m getting the help I need. I reach out to two therapist so it’s a waiting game now. That’s valid, and I can totally understand needing more guidance. I surely do. I’m sorry you’re j out able to see her more often. The one I’m seeing now I see once a week, but she has me so far scheduled out. So I haven’t seen her for months now. How often do you see your therapist currently?

Username: AnonymousAnonymous

Date posted: 2y ago

Right now once every few weeks. But I always feel like she’s judging me when I tell her my thoughts. The same thing happened on here. A therapist responded to a post and said “if the thoughts turn into something you’re going to act on, let your therapist know and follow a safety plan.” That has me spiraling today

Username: Ebby7Ebby7

Date posted: 2y ago

I’m sorry that has you spiraling. I feel with ocd is always a slippery slope. And something so simple can become a problem. And sucks. Just like I’m tryin to remind myself… it’s okay to not be okay. And sometimes we are going to end up doing this badly. (Spiraling) until we don’t you know.

Username: Catlove9Catlove9

Date posted: 2y ago

@Ebby7 That’s so true! Sorry. For some reason my profile changed? I signed up for therapy and it created another profile. So weird.

Username: Ebby7Ebby7

Date posted: 2y ago

That’s okay, I never questioned it. I figured maybe you just changed your name or something. All and all it’s no problem.

Username: Catlove9Catlove9

Date posted: 2y ago

Thanks! I have a therapist but I’ve been struggling so bad like I mentioned so I wanted to see if speaking to someone different would work.

Username: Ebby7Ebby7

Date posted: 2y ago

I think that’s a wonderful idea abs I truly hope that with your new therapist you get the full and proper help that you need. Did you apply for in through here?

Username: Catlove9Catlove9

Date posted: 2y ago

Yah. I’m going to try it. They don’t take my insurance yet but I think it’s worth the money at this point.

Username: Ebby7Ebby7

Date posted: 2y ago

I believe that they may take mine, but I worry that here in Wisconsin they may not allow me to us an app like NOCD and instead have go to an actual clinic only. I’d love to be able to get a therapist through here though if I could.

Username: Catlove9Catlove9

Date posted: 2y ago

You should try! See what they say. I’m in Delaware and I don’t think there are many here.

Username: Ebby7Ebby7

Date posted: 2y ago

If I don’t hear back from the two therapist I reached out to today, I’ll definitely try going this route! I hope it all goes well for you.

Username: Catlove9Catlove9

Date posted: 2y ago

Thank you! You too. Good luck!

Username: Riverbend

Date posted: 5y ago

Hi everyone. I want to share my story here cause I think you might understand. I got triggered over something very stupid. I noticed that my brain is not focused and the thoughts are bothering it. I didn't give it much attention. the next day the same thoughts came to bother me.. this went on for a couple of days untill I had enough so I decided to push away the thoughts when they came. This led to a chaos in my head and It got to the point that I didn't know what to do. If I left my brain for itself It would bother me and would not let go and If I fought the thoughts It would just get worse. So I made a decision (which made sense to me at the time for some reason) to force myself to be focused all the time and not get distracted by the thoughts. This meant I was putting a lot of pressure on my self since I was afraid of leaving my brain for itself cause I was very afraid of it (I had a history of my brain locking on some things constantly for months and It was very though). I kept living this way for two months and at a certain point I had a breakdown cause I couldn't take it any more. I again fell into the loop of trying to remove the thoughts from my head (my mental ritual) to not have any annoying thoughts and stop the thoughts from making me lose my focus (due to this whole thing. I developed an obsession about not losing my focus!) . It got to the point that I was doing this mental ritual every second of every day and It became very automatic :(. From that point it took me two months to be able to stop doing the mental rituals, which I did by looking at the frame of my glasses each time I had the temptation to do the rituals. this stopped me from doing weird stuff in my head and I came out of my head. Unfortunately after I put an end to doing the rituals I noticed that I was extremely depressed and was experiencing depersonalization and derealization. I am depressed to this day (two months after stopping the rituals) and I feel like an alien on this planet. I feel like I'm not understood and I feel like I suffered so much for something that didn't need suffering. I'm afraid I might get to the point of blaming myself for not being able to not be strict on my brain and just let go. I'm Afraid of getting to the point of wanting to end myself. I know I did my best in that situation but that doesn't stop me from the fear. I would like to hear about your thoughts.

Username: getwellsoon

Date posted: 4y ago

so i feel like i need to vent because all of this is just building up, 3 months ago when i had my first intrusive thought that caused an obsession that went on for weeks and then every other week a new intrusive thought would pop up and i’d obsess over that one. and it continues with multiple themes. some even similar to the one i’m dealing with right now but for some reason this one feels so much more real then again all the themes did. i really don’t know how to explain it, frightened if it’s just me. some days i feel completely numb to it like i’m a bad person but if that was so why would i keep fighting it and being in distress over it. it’s breaking my heart. i should know that it’s no coincidence since i’ve been dealing with this thing. whatever it might be ): i really don’t want to give up but i’m just scared. it all feels wrong and i feel numb or sometimes the ugliest stuff pops into my head. also the old themes have tried popping up again. i wonder if this whole thing is just my fault if it’s all just me but the truth is i guess i’ll never know... there’s so much more i could say... but i hope someone can relate to this... is it possible to feel just completely not like yourself like you’re trying so hard to just be the way you are but it’s hard because you have to sit with the fear inside your head... cause tbh there’s no other choice

Username: j

Date posted: 3y ago

I don’t normally make posts like this but if anyone can relate or has advice so I don’t feel so alone I would appreciate it! I feel like crying and I’m so anxious. So I’ve been dealing with an ocd flare up since February. It started out as contamination and harm after I had a really bad experience on a edible. The contamination mostly centered around the fear of someone accidentally giving me an edible to someone putting it in my food or water. Then it went from there to my Brian going you know what’s worse than edibles? LSD. So then I obsessed over that and it’s been like that on and off. I’ve had an extremely hard time with it it’s been one of the worst themes I ever had. I don’t eat certain things. Especially sweets. I avoid them. I avoid taking medication Bc I’m scared. I limit myself. I’m horrible about opening water bottles and if it doesn’t open just right I won’t drink out of it. I know it’s crazy I know it’s untrue but the panic I feel traces back to that night. I don’t ever want to feel that out of control again it scared me so bad I got diagnosed with ptsd (to be fair I had a lot of unresolved trauma that caused my glass to overfill) well, I’ve been going to EMDR therapy it’s got my ptsd under control but the ocd is louder. My ocd is clawing to stay alive. I’ve started to have intrusive thoughts now about my boyfriend might slip something into my water even though ITS NOT TRUE. So then I panic because the thoughts are so irrational that I get scared like why would I ever think that about him???? But the intrusive thoughts are so jarring and I don’t want my ocd to focus on him now! I need advice! I’ve been prescribed pristiq but haven’t taken it Bc you guessed it.,.. I’m scared to! I can’t go on like this! The thoughts are so irrational it scares me even though the rational side of me knows it’s not true but I guess that’s ocd. We get scared of the thoughts even though we know it’s not true and I know it’s my brain trying to keep the ocd going. I know therapy must be working otherwise my theme subjects wouldn’t have changed so fast. I’m so tired of this.

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

Kind of at my end.

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community